Week 4: Lweendo.

September 13, 2012

            WHAT A DAY.

            Today I went to class, had breakfast, and then went to the clinic! Today all the people who aren’t medical majors got to go if they wanted to! I wanted to see what it was like so I went and shadowed Mrs. Bingham. It really is quite amazing what she does. She is so good with kids and just people in general. It amazed me how she was able to ask only a handful of questions and then was able to prescribe them something. I loved watching her in action.

            We stayed there until lunch and then came back, ate, had class, and then it was time for a group of us to leave to go to the Kalomo Hospital. We got there and walked into the first room. I was immediately surprised. Clearly, I didn’t think it would be like a hospital in America, but we walked into a concrete room with as many beds as they could fit, one patient after another. One woman was lying on the bed with her child that had burns and bandages all over its little face and body. Another woman was sprawled out asleep. It was obvious they each had something different, but they were all in the same room. It seemed so inefficient in terms of keeping diseases from spreading from one person to the next. But we went from room to room, singing, praying, and sharing a word of encouragement. One room we went into, the Women’s Ward, had older women and younger ones, all will different ailments. There was a mentally ill young woman that looked to be in her 20s. We were about to pray and she kept shouting, “No! No!” And once Jeremy started the prayer she kept saying, “In the name of Jesus get out!” and once Jeremy said, “Amen.” She looked at us and said, “Help me.” I don’t think I will ever forget that moment. She asked if we would pray again except this time for her specifically. The Zambian man that was translating for us, Ba Nomuswa, told her that a pastor would come back another day and pray with her. It was definitely an experience. It makes me wonder if it really is a mental illness or possibly possession? How do we know, really? Who knows.

            We left that room to go visit the Mother’s Ward. The ward consisted of a concrete slab room with 30+ women packed into it just lying around. Flies EVERYWHERE. I have never been around or even seen so many flies in one place. We encouraged them through song and in a small devotional thought. They sang us a song as thank you for coming. I loved it. After we had a greeting line with them we came back for dinner.

            Then it was time to meet our Tonga tutors! FINALLY! They were almost an hour late (of course) but finally arrived. I met my tutor, Munalula Musa. She’s 24 years old and was so sweet! We talked about everything possible when meeting someone. Family, friends, majors, hobbies, cooking, sports, boys, any and everything. She told me her name in Tonga means, “Someone who was loved before she was born.” I loved that. We’ve planned to hang out and watch movies, paint nails, and things like that so I am so excited. We talked for about an hour or so and then it was time for her curfew.

            They left and Petra, Parker, and I decided to go talk to Webster at the Estes House. He told us some snake stories, which were hilarious. But then it was time for curfew so we had to tell him goodbye. It has been such a full, but great day.

God, thank You for the blessing of days like today.  For the miracle of medicine , the gift of friendship, and the precious moments in everything. There is something special about this place. God, I pray You continue to change me without holding back. No matter what, just do it. As long as I have Your peace I will do whatever You want me to do. I pray for Munalula. Thank you for sending her to me finally! I pray this relationship is beautiful. I ask that you be with the orphans and widows. Let them feel Your love. Give me a forgiving spirit. I love You.
 Use me Jesus Christ. In whatever way. Whatever way.

September 14, 2012

            Another day in Zambia! Full and fulfilling.

            Today we had class, and then instead of Humanities we had independent study. Field Work along with one of the nursing classes meets at that time and since I’m not in either, Aubrey and I went to her house. She was making posters of Scripture to put up around her house and asked me what some of my favorite verses were. It was really encouraging going through some of my favorite ones and being reminded of how cool God is. We talked about hers too and we both shared some of the people we miss most from home.

            After about an hour we went to breakfast and then waited about 30-45 minutes to go to the George Benson Graduation! It was supposed to start 9:00 but it didn’t begin until after 10:00. We are starting to get the hang of this “being late for everything” (which is really being on time) so we didn’t  show up until about 9:30. We got there and the ceremony was set up outside under a bunch of tarps tied to a thicker sticks that made a little canopy for everyone to sit under. It was so nice with the breeze. We waited around and sat and talked for about an hour and then finally it started and the college choir danced in. It was so fun to watch! I love how even serious events like graduation turn into a party! When they danced in and sat down, the graduates followed with music and dancing as well. And then the teachers came in. There was music, but no dancing :) Everyone had gotten there and then a man they called “The Guest of Honor” came in. The program focused more on the Guest of Honor than the students graduating. Even the student that spoke at the end for his whole class (like a valedictorian’s speech) addressed his speech toward the Guest of Honor. Apparently the person considered the Guest of Honor changes every year and I didn’t catch who the man this year was. I think he was high up on the education ladder in Zambia, but I couldn’t make out what exactly he did. They presented lots of awards. When a student’s name was called out, they danced up to the front to receive it and the parents danced out of the crowd to the front for a picture with their child. It was hilarious. After 3.5 hours it was finally over. It seemed so so long. Once they announced that the ceremony was “diminished” the smiles and hugs that were passed around surprised me! Everyone had huge smiles on their faces and parents were standing up clapping for their children. It made me realize how special and big of a deal it is to be a college graduate here.

            Afterwards our group walked back, had lunch, and then Morgan and I went to the Havens. I went straight to Haven 1. Aaron is HUGE! Well, compared to what he was when I got here! Meagan told me that she has weighed him and he’s gained a bunch! Which makes me SO happy because weight gain usually means healthy baby! Meagan assigned me another baby today too! Chilala, 3 weeks old, is having lots of diarrhea and just needs some extra holding is what Meagan told me. She was crying so I picked her up and then a doctor along with some interns came in. The doctor came to check on all of the babies that Meagan was concerned about. She looked at Chilala along with a couple others. I went to Haven 3 to see JoJo and talked with one of the interns for a little bit while massaging Joel and feeding him. But we had to leave shortly after for dinner.

            So Morgan and I came back, ate, and then a group of us went to the Merritt’s to sing! Love. It. So. Much. I met 3 boys that are good friends with the Merritt’s: David, Lee, and Crae. They were so nice! I just have such positive feelings about people that I meet here and the place in general. We left after a few minutes of talking. Once we got back, River, Molly, Petra, Bridget, Kaitie, and I all decided to go star tripping. It was SO great. And hilarious. We laughed and laughed. And laughed. Whenever we fell to the ground we would become covered in stickers, but we were laughing so hard I didn’t even care. Speaking of stars, the stars here are incredible. You can SEE the Milky Way. It is breath taking. After star tripping we all talked for a couple minutes and then came home for curfew.

God, thank You for the blessing of today. Thank You for the laughter that today brought. I love that we love laughing together. I ask You that we grow closer as a unit, and are as effective as we can possibly be. I’m sorry for the moments I failed You today. I pray for the Zambians that are hurting. Be their Comforter and Peace. I pray for the struggles among our group. Life is hard and I pray for the ones among us to continue being strong and seeing You in ways we never have before. I love You Jesus.
 Here I am God. Use me.

September 15, 2012

            Today was such a needed day of rest. I woke up and went to breakfast and then a woman named Mrs. Daka came and talked to us about marriage and other things from the perspective of Zambians. Mrs. Daka’s role in the community is one of a mentor. She teaches the daughters of the community what to expect when married. Once a girl is “ready to be seen as a woman” in the community or is about to be married, she takes them in and teaches them what they need to know to be a good wife. A lot of things were super surprising to me. When a daughter has her period for the first time she is taken into a hut of her parents and is kept there for three months away from society. The bride price still happens here. If the husband beats the wife, the wife doesn’t tell anyone so that respect for the home can stay in the community. There were many many more things that are so different from our culture. It’s so interesting.

            After her talk, a group of us walked to town. It’s 7 kilometers and took almost an hour and a half to walk. It made me realize how far some women walk on a daily basis whether it be for work or town or water. It was hard for us, but these women do it with babies on their backs and then add a huge jug of water on their heads on the return trip.

            We finally got to town, had lunch at El Pantano, and then walked around looking at things. I got 2 jerseys and just walked around with the rest of the group while they were looking for some zitenge. We were out in the sun ALL day and I felt so drained. We rested at the bakery for a while and after about 4 hours of being in town we left.

            We came back to the Mission, changed clothes, and went to play ultimate Frisbee until dinner. It was so much fun! We had dinner and then Petra, Parker, and I played cards. Then half of our group came outside and we played a MONSTER game of Nerts. It was nuts. Starting to feel the effects of the sun and the day’s journey I went to bed. It was so nice to have a down day after such intensive work all week.

God, thank You for the day we had today. Thank You for the blessing of friends here. Please keep talking to me about the future. Give me peace of mind that You will let me know what You want. And that whatever I feel You’ve said, is true. Please don’t let me fail You God. Keep us all close. I love You.
 Don’t let my life be lived unused by You. Use me up.

September 16, 2012

            Such a great day! Today I woke up, had breakfast, and went to church in the Johnson Auditorium. Some people traveled to a village church about an hour away, but I just wasn’t up for it today so I went with a group to the Johnson. It was so nice understanding everything going on and being able to participate in the singing. And I didn’t have to ride in a bus to get there! It was only a 5 minute walk! Such a nice break.

            We got back and I worked on some homework until lunch. Katie Daggett fixed us a homemade Italian meal of pasta, salad, and homemade bread. It was so good. After that I went to the Havens until it was time for church. I went to Haven 1 and Aaron was sleeping so I decided to start at Haven 3 with Joel. We sat for a long time with a toy xylophone with colored plates. I would use the plastic mallet and make noise on the xylophone. He would take the mallet from me and hold it, look at me, and then look back at the toy. And finally after minutes and minutes and minutes of just sitting there tapping the xylophone, handing him the mallet, having him stare at me, and then hand it back, he FINALLY hit the xylophone with the mallet! It made me feel so good! I tried working on standing up, but he wanted nothing to do with it today. But that was totally fine! He responded to me with the xylophone, so I’m just going to take it one step at a time. I went back to Haven 1 and Aaron was still asleep, so I changed some babies, played with some others, and then went and picked up Aaron. He. Is. Growing. I love it but I hate it. He woke up when I picked him up and had a HUGE smile on his face. I love that little man. We had such a good day bouncing and dancing and singing and smiling. I also held Chilala today. She is such a little thing.

            We left the Havens and came back to the Hamby and I did a little more homework. It was time for us to leave to go to Sunday night church. After the message a few groups got up and sang some songs. Prince and Lee (the friend we met from Eric’s House) went up with some other guys and sang and did amazing. They’re so great. After the service I met a couple of girls from the secondary school. We talked for a few minutes and they gave Petra and I Tonga names! Mine is “Lweendo” which means path. I asked her why path, and she said, “You know, like you’re on the path to Heaven!” I thought that was really sweet. We came back home, had a super late dinner, and now are headed off to bed!

God, thank You for today. It’s starting to become more and more difficult. Not the being here part, but the being away part. I need You more and more everyday. You are with me Lord. Just keep reminding me of that.

September 17, 2012

            Today was such a long, busy day. But! I got to Skype with Alex last night which was SUCH a blessing. We didn’t get to see each other since the connection slowed way down when our video was on, but we did get to talk! Which was great. It makes me miss him so much!

            I got to class this morning, SO tired, and listened to Ba Siaziyu teach Tonga and Humanities. We had breakfast and then a group of us went to the primary school. We pulled up and were greeted by the principal who told us that she was going to split us up into all the classrooms and that we in charge of class. We were all just looking at each other like, “Uhhh..” What we thought was going to be a day of observation quickly turned into a day of us Makuas being in charge. Addie, Morgan, and I went into the classroom filled with the Grade 7 students. The teacher, Ba Loveness, handed us some books and directed us to the pages she wanted us to teach and walked out. We taught about entrepreneurship, initiation ceremonies (as in when a boy/girl becomes a man/woman and how society here acknowledges that), and all the different types of farming. It was SO awkward at first because we literally had nothing prepared. But we did it! The kids were dead silent most of the time, but I know they understood us since their teacher was talking to them in English while we walked in. I think they were just scared of us! Which, I mean, I don’t blame them! Towards the end, especially when we were talking about farming, they opened up and answered a lot of questions. However, it was time to go and as we were leaving a lot of the students had come outside for their lunch break. As we were pulling away all you see is this whole stoop covered in dark faces, white teeth, and waving hands. It was absolutely one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen yet.

            We came back and had lunch, and then a group of girls went to the Havens. We went until dinner. Aaron was wonderful. We danced and sang a lot today! Joel was also great. He interacted with me lots today. He was so cuddly too! He would just lay his head against my chest. He did such a great job interacting. We left, had dinner, and then had Mission Anthropology.

            Then it was time for Family Meeting and we talked about everything from this past week. After the meeting, Katie Daggett asked Petra, Kaitie, and I if we wanted to go see Ginsen at Meagan’s house since we went with Meagan to take Ginsen to her doctor’s appointment last week. We got there and Ginsen’s little eyes were glazed and her mouth was hanging wide open. She looked so sick. Meagan and Louisa took out Ginsen’s IV because she is declining so rapidly. It was an eye-opening moment because it meant that there was literally nothing that us as humans could do anymore. We all just sat there at the feet of Meagan as she was holding her, listening to Ginsen breathe. There were a few times that her breaths skipped and it made us all nervous that she was about to go. After an hour of sitting there I was just praying in my head that God would just take her. Her breaths turned into short wheezes and we were all just waiting.  Meagan told us that at this point it’s just a matter of trying to make her as comfortable and as peaceful as possible. Petra, Kaitie, and I had to leave because of curfew and when we said goodbye we knew it was our last goodbye to Ginsen. Her little body just can’t take it much longer. It’s so hard to comprehend because everything in me thinks we could be doing more, but I know there isn’t anything left but prayer.

God, I DON’T understand the ways of this world. I don’t know why these things happen to these tiny babies. Well, I know its sin, but God it’s so real here. The reality of sin. Looking at Ginsen’s eyes, watching her little chest rise and fall with her wheezy breaths. The reality of sin, my sin, in this world is like a slap in the face. My sin does this. It robs people of life. It reveals Satan for just what he is: a thief that really does only come to take, murder, and devastate. And to have a dying 5-week-old baby’s face to look at while realizing this...God, we need You. I love You God and I believe You are good. God if Ginsen passes tonight, I know I’ll need You tomorrow. Keep holding her. Keep holding me.
 Use me through it all, Lord. I love You.

September 18, 2012

            Today was SUCH a great day.

            This morning I woke up, went to class, and then before breakfast Petra and I went to Meagan’s house to see what went on with Ginsen in the night. We got there and she was still awake! We were in shock. Everyone was. We sat there with her for about 30 minutes and then went to breakfast. After breakfast we headed over to chapel and after that Petra and I came back to Meagan’s. We sat with her for about 2 hours talking about everything. About the way life is here, relationships, and things that go through her head. I asked her what goes on in her head when babies pass away. She said she used to be really angry at herself and feel a lot of guilt because her job is to catch sicknesses before they get out of control. So when she has a child in her arms about to die she has a hard time feeling like she could have done something else or if she could have only caught something sooner. She said she’s not numb to death, but it’s just stopped surprising her. I also asked her how she knew here is where she needed to be indefinitely and she said she just felt like there was nowhere else she could be, and do what she felt like was necessary. She felt like the lifestyle the Bible says we’re to live isn’t seen often. It’s so rare. And she feels like caring for orphans and widows is something that is written about all through the Bible and that everyone should be doing something about. That isn’t a specific or individual calling. It’s something everyone should be working on and helping with. She wants to do something meaningful and she feels like this is it for her. Of course she feels lonely. Of course she feels like she’s missing out sometimes. But she said a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that says something to the effect of, “For every missed thing there is something gained.” I thought that was such a great thought. I know she’s missing out at home, but what she’s gaining in its place is so worth it. It was such a beautiful thing seeing her talk with that baby in her arms. Speaking words of hope and truth in a situation that seems so drear and full of despair. She said that here in Africa she finds it hard to deal with sickness sometimes because our reaction is to help, help, help. But sometimes, like now with Ginsen, there’s nothing left for her to do and all you can do is just sit alongside people and suffer and cry with them.

            I hope that one day I can find myself here with her. For some amount of time at least. It is such a beautiful life here. But not the kind of beauty that people use to describe perfection. It’s full of pain and hurt, but the kind where good comes out of the ashes. The kind that hurts, but heals. That paradox kind of beauty. That is what is found here. And that is what I’m in love with. In this culture you find what matters. That’s what I’ve been looking for.

            Meagan told us she was going to get some sleep since she’d been up all night with Ginsen, so Petra and I left and came across Memory. Memory is 19 and she helps the cooks with food and cleaning. She is precious. I love talking to her. She’s so down to earth and I feel like we’re people that would be friends in the States. She’s so gentle ad such a quiet spirit. We talked to her about culture here and how the West is starting to move in and change things. I couldn’t help but sit there and feel super embarrassed about it. I hated being from the West in that moment. To know that my kind of people is what’s changing Africa and removing them from their traditional ways. In some ways like medicine and hygiene that’s good. But in ways like dress and respect, it is so so sad.

            After we talked with her for about an hour and helped her with the salad, we had lunch and then class. After class I answered some e-mails and then realized it was already time for dinner! E-mails take such a long time to answer and give details and just say everything I want to say.

            After dinner and a few minutes of journaling, Parker, Petra, Bridget, Aubrey, and I went on top of the containers too look at the stars since the power was out. The stars were like something I have NEVER seen before. You can see the Milky Way brighter than ever. I wish there were a word other than beautiful to describe it, but that’s all I know. It is so beautiful. We brought out blankets and watched a movie. Right after the movie was over it was curfew so I came home and jumped in bed! Such a great feeling.

God, thank You for this day. I’m just in awe that Ginsen has hung on not only through the night, but all day. Let Your will be done. I love You Jesus. I pray for my friends back home. That You reveal Yourself to them just as much as You are revealing to me here.
 Use me Jesus. Have Your way.

September 19, 2012

            What a day! I woke up, went to class this morning feeling super tired. The past three mornings it’s been such a struggle to get out of the bed! But I went to class and after our Humanities class we had breakfast and then chapel. After chapel we had Mission Anthropology and then I worked on my blog post for Mission Anthropology until lunch. Before we started eating lunch Jeremy told us that Ginsen passed away in the night between 1-2 AM. It saddened me but more relief came over me than sadness. I knew she needed to go.

            We had lunch and then a lot of us went to the Havens until dinner! Joel was his normal self! He certainly does hug more, but there wasn’t any major breakthrough today. I would say a little is definitely better than none. Aaron was actually sort of cranky today! But he without a doubt just keeps getting cuter and cuter. We left there and ran into Meagan behind Haven 3 on our way out. She told us she wants some of us to repaint some of the names on the headstones in the Haven graveyard. I think I would like to help her with that.

            We got back to the Hamby, had dinner, and then Bridget and Aubrey and I went to the cabana table to talk. We came back after a few minutes to find Petra and Prince sitting with Chris. We sat down and talked, sang and played cards! Chris showed us this crazy magic trick that we STILL don’t know how in the world it happens, but it is so weird! And real looking! Then, we decided to do something called the Cinnamon Challenge. It’s where you take a tablespoon of cinnamon and try to swallow it. Sarah, Petra, Bridget, and I did it and not even 20 seconds later we were all spitting it out and Bridget and I threw up! I threw up three times! It was THE weirdest feeling ever and I will never do it again! It was miserable. Oh my word. The rest of the night until curfew I could feel the cinnamon in my throat and nose. After our turn Parker and Prince did it and were STONE faced the whole time. And they both swallowed it! I could not believe it! Prince’s face didn’t budge at all. It was like nothing was happening at all. It was super impressive. After laughing lots and trying to spit all the cinnamon out of my mouth every 5 seconds it was time for us all to disperse and go back to our houses for curfew.

God, thank You for today. For all the laughs and even got the news of baby Ginsen. Thank You that she’s in Your arms now. I pray You keep me focused and in tune with Your leading. I need it Lord. I love You.
 I pray that you use me wherever, whenever. At the Havens, among our group, whatever You wish.

Week 3: Even if the healing doesn't come.

September 6, 2012

            Today has been the hardest one yet.

            We woke up, had class, ate breakfast, and went to chapel. The singing touched me so much today. They sang “Joy to the World” but the way they sang it was different and it was SO beautiful the way it sounded. We also sang “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross” except to the tune of “Balikuli” which is a song we’ve learned here. Such a humbling reminder.

            We got back from chapel, sat down to have Mission Anthropology and Jeremy started off class by telling is that Adam, Christy’s baby, passed away last night. He had ear infections, and they think he could have contracted cerebral malaria. And since he had HIV, his immune system was extra down, unable to fight it off. He kept having seizures and then went unresponsive.

            Once we all heard the news, I felt my heart and my lungs, and everything, drop. I mean, it felt like someone had just taken all the air out of my lungs and I couldn’t get it back. Little Adam, the little boy that was always into something, pulling off couch cushions, stealing other kids’ food. Little Adam who was FINE two days ago is gone. We were all just so confused. Why? What is it we can gain from this, Lord? Something, I know. You wouldn’t just let something happen and there not be a reason or a way to make anything of it. You’re a God of order, not chaos. But why here? Why him? Why now? Things I may never know.

            We had class, which no one paid attention to, had a break, and I went to study for our midterm tomorrow. Which was hard to focus on. My mind was just in shock.

            We met for lunch and after that I went to the Havens until dinner. I couldn’t pass up an opportunity after that news. I just wanted to hold my babies. I dozed off with Aaron on my chest and then held Joel the rest of the time. It just made me realize how fast these babies can go. They can be here, perfectly healthy one day, in the grave the next. It sounds so harsh, but it is the reality here. Harsh. Disease doesn’t care about age. Neither does death. I just want to spend as much time at the Havens as I’m able to.

            It’s hard not to shed tears at injustice like this. It’s only been 2 weeks but our hearts are involved. Of course, not like the Aunties. Not like Meagan’s. But as much as we can be at this point, we are. The rest of the day was kind of cloudy and nostalgic. Everyone felt the damper of reality. After dinner I went to take a shower and then went to girls’ devo. Ironically, Christy was supposed to lead it. What she had planned to talk about was what our weaknesses are here and what we are trying to build up in ourselves. It fit today perfectly. Something that Meagan Hawley said at the devo really stuck with me. She said her prayer for us is we come out of this on the other side, clinging to the truth that God is good. That we don’t forget that and we hold to that until the end. I know He is good. It’s just hard trying to figure out why Adam. Why that way? Why today? It’s something that can be worked through with trust. But that’s not easy either. We’re processing it the best we can and we will be OK, I just have to trust that God knows what He is doing.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord. He gives and takes away.

Know His power in quietness and trust.

            After devo we were all hugging each other, and I walked up to Meagan and just hugged her for a long, long time. I can’t imagine feeling like this ever again, nonetheless every month like she does. While we were hugging I just started crying. She’s such a beautiful soul.

            Afterward, I just went to my room to study for our midterm tomorrow. It’s so hard to be motivated to study and to concentrate on memorizing this stuff.

God, we don’t understand. We don’t understand what the reason is that Adam died. Because of sin, I know. I mean why Adam though? It’s so confusing. Teach us to trust. Protect each person in our group from turning away from You. Let this make us come closer together and to You. I’m so sorry that our sin has made this happen to Your children. I can’t imagine how You must feel. You experience this everyday. Seeing Your babies die from preventable things. We love You. I love You.
 Use our group to be an encouragement to the Aunties, to Meagan, and to each other. We need You.

 September 7, 2012

            Today was such a blessing after yesterday. We woke up, had class, breakfast, chapel, and then finally our midterm. I studied all day up to the test and I feel like I did well. After that I let Addie trim my hair. Soon after it was time for lunch and then our group piled in the bus and went to a place called Twin Fountain Farm.

            The purpose of the farm is to provide Zambian men and women education in agriculture. The man who runs it, Klaus Mueller, is from Germany and moved here over 30 years ago. He only planned to stay for a visit, and ended up moving here. He said on his visit when he got into the cab, the driver said, “Africa is very dangerous. People who come to visit end up wanting to stay.” Klaus said that he thought to himself, yeah right, but now he’s here. I thought that was funny. And so accurate :)

            The purpose of Twin Fount Farm is to give students real life experience in farming, and the business side of the trade. He teaches them how to manage their own money that they make from what they sell. He gives them a piece of land and then schools them on the best way to use it. One thing he said that stuck out to me was that he doesn’t support or approve of students who are sponsored. He said those students don’t understand the importance of hard work to earn money to pay for the schooling Klaus gives because they already have it paid for. Klaus said, “If it’s worth anything, it should cost you something.” The total profit that the students make on their crops is matched when they graduate. Every month the farm gives the students a sheet of all the costs of things the school is paying for like food expenses and such. He says he tells his students, “We’ll give you whatever you want to eat for lunch.” And then when they see the bill at the end of the month, they change their tastes in food. I thought that was funny, but so neat. It teaches the men and women lots of foundational things and I thought his approach was pretty cool. We walked around and he showed us the big garden that the students have to work with. I thought it was a really awesome place.

            We came back to the Mission and hung out for about an hour until dinner. Petra and I took a shower since were staying at the Havens tonight! We asked Meagan if there was anything we could help her with since the situation with Adam has happened. She said we could stay at the Havens to give the Aunties a break and some rest. So we are! :) :) :) I am SO EXCITED.

            We had dinner and then Petra and I took about an hour nap to try and get some rest. We woke up and all of us went to sing at the Merritt’s. It’s always so good to go there. After that, Meagan brought us to Haven 1. She introduced us to all the night shift Aunties and we got started right away with folding clothes. Lots of them! It really makes you appreciate just how much laundry they so on a daily basis! I changed and fed Aaron and then Petra and I just laid on the floor with the babies that were still awake. Princess and Prince (yes, they’re twins), Lisa, and Sofia. They all started getting sleepy one by one until it was just Prince awake. I rubbed his back until he went to sleep and then I put him in his bed.

            After we finally got everyone asleep, Betty, the Auntie that speaks the best English in Haven 1, told us that there wasn’t anything in particular for us to help with until about 4:00 AM. She said that is the time when they’ll start washing bottles and doing laundry. So I went to lie down to take advantage of everyone being asleep. I slept for about an hour and a half and then woke up to some babies crying. So I came to one of the rooms and found Petra with her Bible talking with Betty. I came in and sat down and listened. Betty was asking Petra about things like polygamy, having church on Sunday vs. having it on Saturday, the Lord’s Supper and why it’s every week, if it’s wrong for a woman to preach, hard questions like that. Really, really, good questions. Petra did a really good job of explaining them to her and using the Word to show what she’s talking about. Betty then asked me my life story. I told her about the things I’ve been through, which sounded like nothing compared to things I’m sure she’s witnessed. But I told her that I’ve found that being a Christian doesn’t make life easier, but it does give me hope in the bad times. And I makes it all worth it. After that Aaron started crying, so I fed him and then brought him to the couches to lie down and hopefully get him sleeping again and we both ended up falling asleep. How is it possible to love something so much? After about 2 hours (around 5:00 AM) I got up, finished feeding him, and then Betty and I washed bottles. LOTS of bottles. I then helped her wash clothes, blankets, and nappies in the bathtub. I know I probably slowed them down, but I’m learning! Then I rocked Aaron and some of the other babies. I was talking to Aaron and he smiled at me twice! What a feeling.

            A few minutes later it was about time to go, so I put him down, got my stuff together, and then Petra and I sat with the babies that were about to eat breakfast until Jeremy got there to pick us up. It was a great experience and made me realize how much the Aunties must love those babies to do that every night. I appreciate their job so much.

God, thank You for the blessings that come after pain. It makes me realize the blessing of the good times. Thank You for people like Klaus and the people that make up the Namwianga Mission. To see them actually living out their faith is such an example to me. I hope I can do the same. Thank You for the Aunties at the Havens and their selfless sacrifice for those children. I just love what You’re doing here, Lord.
 Use me up in whatever way You can while I’m here and once I get home. I love You.

September 8, 2012

            Today has been an emotionally exhausting day. There is nothing left to say but that.

            After we got back from spending the night at the Havens, Petra and I slept for about 30 minutes and then it was time for breakfast. After breakfast we all went to Adam’s viewing.

            We got there and immediately after we got out two women came outside wailing. I’ve never experienced that before. One of the women kept repeating the same thing over and over and it sounded almost like a song. It was heartbreaking but beautiful. Hearing these rock-solid women who have gone through more than I ever will, wailing from pain. We stood outside for about 15 minutes and then a man told us we could go inside and view the body. We went in and the moment I saw him I started crying. He was in a small wooden casket in some of his clothes and blankets. He kind of looked like himself but not really. The only thing going through my mind when I was looking at his face was why. Why. Why? The Aunties were all crying as so was our group. We just walked around the casket and then walked out. Once we got outside everyone broke. As soon as I looked over and saw a couple of our guys crying, I started crying even harder. The realty of death hurts. But the death of a child, it’s almost unbearable. It makes me ask, why God? I mean, what was the point of Adam even being born if he was just going to die so soon? Is it to teach us something? Or is it just simply showing the reality of sin? I was just standing there, having absolutely nothing to do too make it better. Watching our group in tears. Hearing the wailing. There wasn’t an escape. We had to deal with this. There was no running away or blocking it out. But that’s what I love about Africa. There is no escape here. There are no distractions of technology or phones or friends or anything. We’re FORCED to face things we’re scared of. We can’t look away or act like it’s not happening. We have to see it, hear it, and feel it.

            We left and then pulled up to the Havens for the burial. There we saw Adam’s family and some interns that are working with a doctor here for a few months. All the Aunties stood around his casket while all of the visitors walked by to look one last time on our way to the graveyard. Walking into that graveyard, seeing close to 100 stone heads was so overwhelming. To think that this whole process has happened over 100 times. All I could do is cry. The injustice. The overwhelming sadness. We all stood around and the Aunties carried the little casket to where a man was digging the hole They were singing all the way there and the whole time they were digging the hole. Finally the hole was finished and a man spoke a while in Tonga. Then, some of the Aunties went and put some things into his little casket and then some men carried and lowered it into the hole. There were about 6-8 men who took turns putting a few shovel-fulls of dirt into the grave. Once it was covered, the man who spoke prayed in Tonga and it was over. We all walked silently back to the bus and came back to the Mission.

            I came straight back to my room and typed my journal for about an hour until lunch. We ate and then I came back to my room and just slept until dinner. I’ve been so tired from last night and emotionally tired from today. I needed to give my brain a rest. Kaitie came and woke me up and we had dinner. We cooked out hamburgers which was nice, and then we had processing as a group.

            We all came to the Hamby and sat in a circle. We talked about all that we’ve seen and experienced today. Lots of people here are just hurt and confused. Trying to find God’s love in it all. Where is it now? In this moment? His love was in all of those Aunties loving on Adam while he was still here, but where is it now that he’s gone? I think we’re all trying to sort through thoughts and questions. Jeremy called on me asking what I was thinking and I started saying what was on my mind, but I just broke down. I try not to in a large group of people just to save people the awkwardness of tears but I couldn’t stop it. I talked about how just seeing his face at the viewing, all I could think was why. And how today at the funeral home when the ladies came out wailing, it triggered a memory from HUT this summer. One of the cultural experiences we had was that we had to care for a “baby” (a water balloon) and ours popped one day. So we had to have a “funeral” for it, which included us having to bury it and being required to wail. And I distinctly remember one of the staff girls monitoring our “funeral”, as we were wailing telling us, “You need to wail louder.” Remembering that today at the funeral home, actually HEARING those women wailing out for something, anything. For healing. It made me SO angry remembering that from HUT. Just the fact that that girl was basically making the art of wailing in this culture a spectacle for an “experience” a few months ago and speaking of it lightheartedly. Being told to wail louder? That is these people’s reality. And hearing it carelessly being thrown around as a joke is not right. I know what she said came from a place of ignorance, and at the time I didn’t think anything of it either, but after experiencing that in real life, I was just really upset by it. Of course this doesn’t reflect the HUT program by any means. I’m just talking about a comment made by one of the girls working. It’s something that had been on my mind all day.

            After the meeting I came back to my room to write everything down so that I wouldn’t forget anything and just to get some things out. I pretty much stayed here the rest of the night, journaling and checking e-mail. I’m still so inwardly confused, but I know God will heal. As I was journaling, I put on some music and the song “Even If” by Kutless came on. It was absolutely perfect. One part of the song that really stood out said, “Even if the healing doesn’t come and life falls apart, You are God. You are good. Forever Faithful One. Even if the healing doesn’t come.”

God, I don’t know why injustice like this happens. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced the death of a child I know, but You go through this everyday. You see Your own children dying everyday unfairly. How do You do it God? Heal our group, Lord. I know it won’t ever make sense until we get Home, but all I’m asking is for Your peace and Your healing. Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering.
We need You. God, I love You. You WILL be able to use this. Use us and this experience for Your glory.

September 9, 2012

            Today was such a good day. We got to sleep in until 8:00! We woke up and got dressed for church, had breakfast, and then some students from the basic school came to our place with Ba Sumafuta. They taught us a song “Muchingolo” and then we left for church.

            Today, the church was only 15 minutes away which was nice in itself. We got there and walked in and the church was packed! We sang a lot, Phil preached, Jeremy did the Lord’s Supper, and a couple people prayed.  The last hour and a half of the service was people singing and performing for the church. It was so cool! The songs they sang were so upbeat and SO beautiful. I love how it’s a near yell when they sing. You can feel the heart in their praise! The service lasted over 3 hours but it really was enjoyable. After church we formed a greeting line and then left for lunch.

            We came back here and had what ended up being a 2:00 lunch. So I ate and ended up coming back to my room and blogged last week’s entries. After that I went back to the Hamby House (the place where we eat and have class) and just sat and talked with some people until we had to leave for church tonight.

            We walked there and stood at the front and taught a whole auditorium full of people some songs. We sang “How Deep the Father’s Love”, ‘Magnificat”, “Mighty to Save”, “Let God Arise”, “Awesome God”, “The Greatest Commands”, “Do Not Fear”, and “He Is Wonderful”. It was SO hot, but so worth it. By the end of some of the songs they were singing along with us, which made it less intimidating. They absolutely loved it. But that’s something I still don’t understand at all! They love our singing, but their singing is SO much better!

            We came back to the Hamby for a late dinner and after dinner Seth, Meryl, Sarah, and I were in charge of dishes which was SO fun. We found these old lady glasses, which was HILARIOUS because they magnified your eyes when you have them on. We laughed so hard. After we finished and put everything away I came back to my room and got ready for bed. It was a much needed, relaxing day.

Thank you God for today. For the joy of the basic school students this morning. For the encouraging church service. For the laughter that today held. Thank You for being there through the steady times as well as the rocky ones. I felt Your presence and healing today. Thank You. I know more difficult times are coming and I pray that You be there.
 Use us up, Lord.

September 10, 2012

            Today was a good day. We had Tonga, Humanities, and then breakfast. After breakfast, Meagan Hawley, Petra, Kaitie, and I went to a doctor’s appointment with a little baby named Ginsen. Ginsen is one month old and only 3.7 pounds. She won’t drink any formula and her head shakes a lot. Her fontanel is majorly depressed and she’s been on meningitis meds, but it hasn’t helped very much. The doctor referred her to the Zimba hospital to be admitted. It was so sad to see something so little trying so hard.

            We came back to the Havens all the way until lunch. Little Aaron was asleep, but I played with Prince and a couple other babies. I left Haven 1 and went to Haven 3 to see Joel. I tried some new things to make him smile and laugh. He didn’t do either, but he is showing more and more personality every day. He was actually playing with a toy car I put in front of him by turning it upside down and spinning its wheels. I know he understands. It’s just getting that to come out. I’m not giving up!

            We came back to the Hamby for lunch and then I answered e-mails and read until dinner. Then it was Family Meeting time at the Calder’s home. We sang a little bit and then split up into groups of 3 to share something we were thankful for, as well as something on our minds. Petra, Parker, and I went onto the containers and shared our praises and our struggles. We met back and sang a couple more songs. Afterward, Jeremy told us about the positive report he had gotten from the Aunties about us! It made me so happy to hear that we are helping. Sometimes we feel in the way, but to hear that they are relieved and excited for us to come, is amazing news. We left our meeting and went to the Hamby for Tea Time. River, Aubrey, Bridget, and I talked at the cabana table about relationships and our future. It was really cool getting to know those girls even better.

God, thank You for the hope of Your salvation. I pray for Ginsen. Please heal her. Whether it is on this side of Heaven, or by bringing her home, I pray You do it quickly. Give Meagan strength to carry on, as this life can wear her down. Refresh her spirit and give her comfort and assurance. I pray for our group and staff. Thank You for Your faithfulness in spite of our fickleness. I’m sorry for falling short so frequently. I pray You find a way to use my failures as something that brings honor to Your throne. I love You God. So much.
 Here I am Lord. Use me.

September 11, 2012

Another great, but long day! We woke up, had Tonga class, Humanities, and then breakfast. After that our group split up. A few of went to the clinic while others went on Measles outreach. The rest of us went to chapel. Something that stuck out to me that the speaker said today was, “God fights for His children.” I really liked that. It’s something I’ve heard lots, but it registered in a new way today. Because of Adam I suppose.

            After chapel a few of us girls went to the Havens. I started in Haven 2, the toddler house. Those little things are so excited all the time! I held two little girls the whole time. After about 30 minutes to an hour I went to Haven 3. BIG progress today! I massaged Joel and then put him belly-down on the couch. I let his little legs hang off towards the ground and let him slowly and gradually slide down until his feet were on the floor. Every now and then he would try to fold his legs back in, but I would hold his feet down and massage his legs to keep them straight. So, I mean, he wasn’t standing on his own since the couch supported him, but he got to see what it felt like to have weight on his feet! I let go of his feet and let him sit like that for a full 5-10 minutes so he could see what it felt like. Then, I let him sit cross-legged on the couch and I sat on the ground and threw this little cloth rattle toy up on the air towards him, let it graze his face, and then fall back on the floor. I kept saying, “Uh oh!” And then after a few times of that I would throw it up in the air and let it fall on his lap to see if he would do anything with it. After a while, he took the toy and threw it off the couch back on the floor where I was! It made me so happy! We did that for a while after he realized that he was playing! It was so beautiful to see him finally come through! Also, I held my hand out to him and he would put his hand back on mine, clap it once, and take it off again. He just kept doing it too! I think the key with him is repetition. Which solidifies Meagan’s guesses of autism. It was such a good day with him!

            I left there after about an hour, and went to Haven 1. Aaron was asleep so I played with a couple little girls there, Virginia, Nicole, and Lizzy. I couldn’t stand it anymore and just had to hold Aaron before the day was over. So I went and got him and held him until we left. Then we walked back, had lunch, and then I answered some e-mails.

            A group of us decided to go play soccer, volleyball, and Frisbee with some of the college students! I played volleyball and it was so much fun. We were so bad and I felt bad for the Zambian guys playing with us! We kept launching the ball every which a way and had to keep running after it. After over an hour of playing and laughing and running all over the place to get the ball, we came back for dinner. We ate and then I journaled a little and took a shower.

            Then, it was time for singing with Prince! We finally got to see him again after the first time at the Merritt’s! He taught us a ton of harmonies and it was so beautiful. After singing, Petra, Bridget, River, Parker, and I talked to him until curfew. We just talked about what we do in the States vs. here, music, tattoos, friends, marriage, pretty much any and every random thing! He is such a funny and neat guy. We all love him a lot.

Thank You God for the Zambians. Thank You for our differences. Thank You for our similarities! Everyone here makes me feel so at home and I love it. Thank You for the progress I’ve seen in Joel. I know he is Your angel. I pray that little Aaron keeps growing into the healthy baby he should be. I love You, God.
 Use me in any way possible. Through my words, actions, anything. I’m Yours.

September 12, 2012

            Today was such a blessing. We had class, breakfast, and then went to the Havens! I went to both Haven 1 and Haven 3 and both of my babies were napping, so I went to Haven 2 to play with the toddlers. They’re so much fun just to play around with. Runny noses, wet diapers, and all. I left there and went back to Haven 1. Aaron was awake so I held and fed him. We worked on Tummy Time and he has made SUCH improvements. He is able to hold his head so up well. I am so proud of him! We had to leave shortly after that so I didn’t get to see Joel today, but I will see him first next time!

            We came back to the Hamby for lunch and then Meryl, Bridget, Chris, and I went to town with Jeremy. I got some money out of the ATM and Meryl got some zitenge (skirts). I love walking through the market. I just feel right in the culture. We left the market and came back to the Hamby where I just sat and talked with people until dinner. We ate dinner and then some of us girls decided to go for a walk.

            We walked around a small part of the Mission, met some children, and then came back. Petra, Kaitlyn Plachy, Parker, and I decided to play Spades and then Prince came and joined us. We all really enjoyed his company. We played Spades for a really long time and then it was time for the ones who wanted to, to go to choir practice. I wanted to go to meet people and see what it would be like! It was really fun, but I was exhausted to the point I couldn’t hold my eyes open so I ended up leaving early and walking back by myself.

            I came back and planned on going to bed, but I ended up talking with Bridget about how she is and we talked about things we’re wrestling God with. I told her about my understanding of what she feels and talked with her about all my fears too. I don’t know what’s coming for my life. I have so many unknowns. I need God to send me discernment to know. Bridget and I talked about everything until curfew. She encouraged me and made me feel so much better with putting it in God’s hands.      Tonight for some reason, after talking to Bridget all these thoughts and questions have really began to affect me and I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. I know, trust God, but why is it so hard? After that I came back to my room and talked with Kaitlyn Leonard and Meghan Laible about all of it too. They also really encouraged me by reminding me that as long as I dedicate my life to God, God will use whatever I decide. If what I choose doesn’t contradict Scripture, and I am seeking Him in everything I do, I am in God’s will for me. I just need to keep trusting. WHY IS IT SO HARD.

God, I don’t know why all of these thoughts are hitting me tonight. I don’t know what to do. Talk to me. I need Your answers. Mold me through this.
 Use me Father.