Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Steady my heart.

August 20, 2012

            Today is the day! I am currently on our Delta flight from Memphis to Amsterdam! The ride is supposed to last over 7.5 hours and then we’ll land in Amsterdam and run to our next flight from Amsterdam to Lusaka Zambia. The only thing is that the flight leaves one hour after we land, so our group is going to have to haul tail feathers to our next gate! The upside is that we won’t have a layover, but the downer is that since the in-between flights is so short, we probably won’t have our luggage tonight. But that’s alright! God is still God! We will stay the night in Lusaka and get up Wednesday and ride a bus for about 7 hours south to Kalomo, our final destination! It’s pretty wild that we left Monday afternoon and won’t be getting to the Mission station until Wednesday evening!
            Today was one of anxiety and sluggishness to an extent if you can believe it. We woke up, had breakfast, cleaned up the house at HUT, sang some to practice for our first day on Wednesday, and then pretty much just sat around until 2:00. Some people were getting really antsy and nervous since we were having so much time to sit with our thoughts. We were told today that Zambia’s main generator’s source of electricity is extremely unreliable and basically broken for the time being. We’ve been told that we may experience black outs for a while. Which isn’t the BEST of news to hear, but it’s not really the no-electricity I’m bummed about. It’s more of the safety issue. But after a while we were all ready to stop passing time and start the journey of getting there already.
At this moment the things I am most anxious about are:

  1)   How I am going to deal with being back on American soil in November. Typical me, right? I’m worried about getting back when I haven’t even left. I just know that his trip is going to be something that the Lord has strategically planned for me and has already gone before us to prepare hearts, but I can’t bear the thought of getting home after experiencing all God has planned, and feeling angry and bitter towards the people I love most at home. I don’t want to be frustrated and unpleasant to be around. I know the change in my perspective is a good thing and may spur others on to do something and make a change, but I don’t want to become someone others no longer want to be around because I’m so frustrated at the little things. I don’t know, it may be silly or not make a bit of sense, but it’s something that’s occupied my thoughts more than once.
  2)   The expected things that someone would usually be anxious about: snakes, spiders, illness, heartbreak. It’s a constant battle reminding myself to trust. Free fall into the safety of His hand. Rest in the covering of His wings as He does the flying. Trust, Holly. You trust your father here. God can promise even greater protection than my dad here. God knows me more than I know myself. He watched me as I was growing in my Mamma’s belly, and He is watching me today as I am 35,000 above ground in this plane. I am His and He is mine.

Keep me on this journey, sweet Jesus. Keep me from veering to the left or right by focusing on my anxieties. Remind me that You are what I am not and that it is OK if I can not do something. You work best in weak people. Refresh my spirit Lord and remind me when I have forgotten that THIS is what I’ve been wanting to do! I’m doing what I’ve always wanted. How can I shy away from the call now that it’s here? Prepare my heart. Humble me. Make me a learner. I pray for my Tonga tutor that I have not met yet. I pray for the babies of the Havens that we haven’t met yet. Prepare us. Teach us to love with abandon. And if Satan finds a way into that place and takes the life of a child, I pray You use it for good. Whoever’s baby it is, may that be a time we all rely on Your goodness, remember Your promises, and praise You with thankful hands outstretched because You are God and You are good. May we let you be big. Thank you for the beautiful story of the gospel. Here I am my sweet Savior. USE ME.

No comments:

Post a Comment