Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Let my lifesong sing to You.

Ohhhh college. Always some kind of important decision to be made.
Too many important decisions to be made.
Especially when someone's as analytical with her decisions as me. 

TOO many decisions.

Lately I’ve had a LOT more questions than usual about my major.
(Am I really surprised?)

I’m VERY much the type of person that if I know things aren’t going to work out in the end, I don’t want to waste any more time in it. And I’ve had a lot of questions come up about Nursing.
What if I want to have a family? I want to be able to spend meaningful time with my husband and my kids. I don’t want to work all day and come home only wanting to be in the bed. I know how meaningful it was having my mom’s company in my life and I’d rather be there for my kids, and them know that, than be in a profession that denies me that.

I’ve talked to 2 or 3 people about it and they have said that it is difficult, but do-able. Which comforts me, but for some reason I feel like a part of my heart just isn’t into nursing. And I don’t know why. Every concern I find an answer to, it seems like my mind comes up with another one and why nursing won’t work.

For example, I went and gave blood a few weeks ago and hated every second of it! In fact, I passed out! Not because it scared me or anything, just because my blood sugar spiked! But I woke up to a nurse giving me a Coke and the male nurse tapping on my foot telling me that in order for him to be able to finish the bag I had to stay awake. So embarrassing. :/  Like how can I be a nurse if I hate the simple things like giving blood! I don’t know if this is God gently urging me to go on a different path, or Satan trying to stop something that He knows will make a great impact. My mind feels like it’s just in a never-ending circle and I hate it! Terribly!

So I took it upon myself to kind of be brainstorming as to what I would want to do if it wasn’t Nursing, and of course the only thing that comes to my mind is that I want to do something I feel like I’m good at! I spent all day one weekend crafting and making Christmas presents for family, and it instantly hit me mid-brush stroke. My art! My talent in art would be perfect! If I was able to do what I love everyday and help people cope and heal through doing what I love, now THAT would be an occupation. How rewarding would that be?

So I researched some options, went to the career center here at Harding, and researched some more. And I found some incredible possibilities!

One is that I could be an Art Therapist. I would assist people, kids, adults, seniors, whoever express themselves through art. I would help them express their hurts and their secrets, their pain and their past. And what an opportunity something like THAT could bring. Talk about an opening of doors.

Another option I found was to be a Speech Pathologist. I would help any and all ages who have been through surgeries, birth defects, or trauma and assist in bringing back to life their ability to communicate. In some cases (like in situations dealing with birth defects, and maybe even after some degree of trauma) I would be their very first true friend.

It’s like there are SO many options I could do anything.
It’s just the only thing that’s holding me onto nursing is the dire need for it. Abroad and even here. My Intro. to Nursing class has taught me so much and shown me just how needed people are in the profession. I want to use my talent of intelligence but use my artistic passions at the same time. It’s seriously confusing and my head is in a tailspin.

HOWEVER! Off of the heavy, and onto something MAGNIFICENT that has happened recently!


I will be LIVING in Zambia for three months next fall! I AM SO THANKFUL!

When I got the confirmation e-mail my stomach was flipping all over the place! I can NOT wait. We’ll be working with all ages, but mostly children in a place called The Haven and we get assigned babies to work with every day, do some school work of course some where in there, and just love on some people! This trip is huge because if I stick with Nursing, this is what I want to do with it. So maybe God will speak through next fall to let me know what it is He wants for me, whether it is or is not in Nursing. Who am I kidding. He definitely WILL speak on next fall and let me know what He wants for me.

So I need prayer for direction in my future academically and just in general.
I need prayers for my relationships.
A LOT of uncertainties are coming up in the next year.
But with every uncertainty there seems to be a boatload of blessing that comes as well. There always has been.

So I trust.
It hurts, but I do.
It’s scary and frustrating.
I can’t pretend that it’s all giggles and confetti when it comes to waiting on God in His timing.

But I do.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Who am I that You are mindful of me?

Club week.

Three words: Oh my goodness.

Such a blast of activity, emotion, and fun.
Before I even say anything about the week itself, I have to start off by thanking God for answered prayers. Because that is just what Pi Theta Phi is to me. An answered prayer.
Heyyy.....three more words before I start: God is good.

The week started off with NONE of us knowing what to expect. Any advice or stories told by other older girls was no good because they changed up everything about the week this year. They weren’t allowed to do hardly any of the same things they had been doing in the past. All our pledge class knew was that the mixers, the hugs, the giggles, and the smiles from the older club members were over.

The week started with all of us piling into this huge room full of all of the pledges from every club, girl and boy, to go over the new hazing law in Arkansas. We all had to sign a paper saying we wouldn’t take any part in any kind of hazing activity and would report it if we saw it. Then just PTP’s pledges all ran over to Midnight Oil only to be met by the screaming members of PTP forming a tunnel for all of us newbies to run under. It was so great. So then we all talked a little, hugged each other, and stood in a circle. We prayed, and as soon as the “Amen” was said we were jerseyed from behind by our big sisters! It was so crazy. My big sister is none other than the beautiful Kinsey :) Loved it.

We then proceeded to break into our families, take pictures around our amazing letters made by some pretty talented ladies in our club, and then ran off to start working on our club books. The rest of the night we met in one of the classrooms and just talked about what the week would consist of and fun details like that.

The week was full of surprises, stresses, and teamwork.
We made Halloween cards for patients that were in a hospital here in Searcy, had nightly all-club craziness, pledge-class breakfasts, fact memorizing, t-shirt making, banner constructing, cheer learning, and movie making.

All club was such an experience. The whole club went into the GAC and were met with every single other club already in their places in the stands screaming and dancing and cheering for their clubs.
I don't know what I was expecting, but I know it wasn't that. Literally my favorite time of the week. We sat down and they started off with singing (which was beautiful), and devotional thought, and then we started roll call. Roll call is where there's a man on the mic and he calls out a club's name and they stand and begin their cheer for the night. It was so much fun watching what everyone had come up with, and SUCH a rush standing up and cheering for our own club when they called our club's name out. I think that's where my pride for PTP slowly started to unfold :)

You can find one of our amazing cheers here:


My job was to make the movie for the week with the theme of “A Day In the Life of a Pi Theta Phi Pledge”. I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it in time, but with the help of my AMAZING and life saving sisters Macy, Hayley, and Savannah we got it finished JUST in time. Literally.

So Friday finally comes and it's the last night of pledge week. We're all tired with our emotions in a frenzy, but we're all excited :)
So Friday night the last night of all-club went great and we headed out to Mrs. Parson's (one of our sponsors) house. We were told that from campus to her house we weren't to talk at all. So in silence we rode to her house, got there, and stood in a group waiting for the club members to come down the hill where we were. They came and we began trekking through the woods arm in arm with one of the older members. We stopped as Nikka (one of our VP's) read a Scripture and then we broke off and individually found a spot in the woods to pray. I LOVED that time. Love love loved it. It was incredible to just be on my knees in nature and talk to the One that made it all. So as I'm sitting there I think about how much I do the talking and how little I actually listen to Him. I don't ever wait for His answer. I just assume He's going to reveal it to me through people or just by an inkling in my heart. But what if He wanted to answer right then? I ask Him for all these answers, plead with Him as to what I'm supposed to do here, and where do I go when I get there, that He very well could have answered me but I wouldn't know because I'd be too busy talking! So as I'm sitting there, in silence, waiting on God, a breeze comes. And not one that just tussles your hair a little. I mean a breeze that shakes the trees. A breeze that rustles the leaves that are on and off of the trees. And I just start crying. It's like He was telling me, "I'm here. Do not worry. I AM hearing you." I mean how can you not weep when God speaks?

So we all come back together and walk a little further. Auburn (our other VP) read a Scripture and then we broke off again except this time we got into groups of two and prayed, came back together and walked a little further. Then we read Scripture again and broke off into groups of 5 or so to share what's going on in our lives and how we need prayer and then prayed for each other. We walked again, stopped and read more Scripture, and then broke off into groups one last time. We all got with our families and prayed for each individual in our family one person at a time and just sang praises over each other thanking God for each other and what each person brings into our lives. Words can't even describe.

We then made our way back up the hill and around to the front of the house where we saw this beautiful bonfire. We all circled around it and listened to Nikka as she applauded us for our efforts that week. Then we prayed together for the memories and friendships that would be made over the next few years and then we opened our eyes only to be jerseyed! It was so great hearing my sister Kinsey say, "It's over! You're in the club! It's over!" Haha no really. It was great hearing those words. :)
So we sang our club song for the first time together and proceeded to chant and squeal and laugh and smile together. Learning forbidden cheers and such :) 

After that we all broke off and went to get food and then came back for something called "Naked Night". Naked Night is where the ladies of PTP and the new members create bonds that will never be broken. And no, not through anything that requires you to be naked...just to clarify!
It is where all 90-something of us sit in a room and we all share our deepest and darkest struggles, secrets, or addictions. We remove the mask the world has told us to put on, and we are completely transparent with each other. And were we transparent. Things you don't even think people struggle with were brought to light. Addictions from the past were told and hurts from the present were shared. It. Was. Amazing.
I can tell you the Devil was upset that night. Because who does that? How often do almost 100 girls cram into the same room and instead of showing each other only the good in ourselves, come together to say, "Look at the very worst things that I've done." I've never before experienced a night like that one, and I am thankful. It's a strange thing how people can be brought closer when they share things about them that you would think should bring them further apart. I can't relate to half of the things that were shared, but instead of making me break away, it makes me want to be closer. It makes me want to know more and it makes me cry harder.

We talked that night from 12 AM until 6:45.
Almost 7 hours of complete cleansing.

All in all the week was more than successful. Even though it was stressful towards the end, it was something I’ll cherish forever. It created a bond between us as a pledge class that I treasure greatly. We had a Facebook group open to all us in the pledge class, and it lifted my spirits seeing so many women in the faith. Like I said, my prayers were answered by these girls. The whole beginning of the semester I’ve been begging God for better, deeper, more meaningful friendships. And that’s exactly what I found Club Week.

I love all my sisters.
I love my God.
Not because He “gave me what I want” through PTP.
But because He was faithful yet again, showing His power and love for me.


“What are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? Yet you made them only a little lower than God and crowned them with glory and honor.” Psalm 8:4-5.